Just for a laugh
Abraham wants to upgrade his PC to Windows 95. Isaac is incredulous. 'Pop,' he says, 'you can't run Windows 95 on your old, slow 386. Everyone knows that you need at least a fast 486 with a minimum of 16 megs of memory in order to multitask effectively with Windows 95.' But Abraham, the man of faith, gazed calmly at his son and replied, 'God will provide the RAM, my son'.
At a pharmacy, a blonde asked to use the infant scale to weigh the baby she held in her arms. The clerk explained that the device was out for repairs, but said that she would figure the infant's weight by weighing the woman and baby together on the adult scale, then weighing the mother alone and subtracting the second amount from the first. "That won't work," countered the woman. "I'm not the mother, I'm the aunt."
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Guest
Don't Step on the Ducks
Three guys die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: Don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first guy accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest woman he has ever seen. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to the ugly woman!"
The next day, the second guy steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extemely ugly woman. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first guy.
The thrid guy has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly woman, is very, VERY careful where he steps. He manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to him with the most gorgeous woman he has ever laid eyes on: a very tall, tan, curvaceous, sexy blonde. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The guy remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
She says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
Three guys die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: Don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first guy accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest woman he has ever seen. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to the ugly woman!"
The next day, the second guy steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extemely ugly woman. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first guy.
The thrid guy has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly woman, is very, VERY careful where he steps. He manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to him with the most gorgeous woman he has ever laid eyes on: a very tall, tan, curvaceous, sexy blonde. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The guy remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
She says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
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Guest
It Will Pass
A student went to his meditation teacher and said, "My meditation is horrible! I feel so distracted, or my legs ache, or I'm constantly falling asleep. It's just horrible!"
"It will pass," the teacher said matter-of-factly.A week later, the student came back to his teacher. "My meditation is wonderful! I feel so aware, so peaceful, so alive! It's just wonderful!"
"It will pass," the teacher replied matter-of-factly.
A student went to his meditation teacher and said, "My meditation is horrible! I feel so distracted, or my legs ache, or I'm constantly falling asleep. It's just horrible!"
"It will pass," the teacher said matter-of-factly.A week later, the student came back to his teacher. "My meditation is wonderful! I feel so aware, so peaceful, so alive! It's just wonderful!"
"It will pass," the teacher replied matter-of-factly.
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maheroonPradhan
- Posts: 75
- Joined: Mon Oct 10, 2005 2:54 pm
Letters to a Pastor
**Dear Pastor, I know God loves everybody but He never met my sister. Yours sincerely, Arnold. Age 8, Nashville.
**Dear Pastor, Please say in your sermon that Peter Peterson has been a good boy all week. I am Peter Peterson. Sincerely, Pete. Age 9, Phoenix
**Dear Pastor, My father should be a minister. Every day he gives us a sermon about something. Robert, Page 11, Anderson
**Dear Pastor, I'm sorry I can't leave more money in the plate, but my father didn't give me a raise in my allowance. Could you have a sermon about a raise in my allowance? Love, Patty. Age 10, New Haven
**Dear Pastor, My mother is very religious. She goes to play bingo at church every week even if she has a cold. Yours truly, Annette. Age 9, Albany
**Dear Pastor, I would like to go to heaven someday because I know my brother won't be there. Stephen. Age 8, Chicago
**Dear Pastor, I think a lot more people would come to your church if you moved it to Disneyland. Loreen. Age 9. Tacoma
**Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon where you said that good health is more important than money but I still want a raise in my allowance. Sincerely, Eleanor. Age 12, Sarasota
**Dear Pastor, Please pray for all the airline pilots. I am flying to California tomorrow. Laurie. Age 10, New York City
**Dear Pastor, I hope to go to heaven some day but later than sooner. Love, Ellen, age 9. Athens
**Dear Pastor, Please say a prayer for our Little League team. We need God's help or a new pitcher. Thank you. Alexander. Age 10, Raleigh
**Dear Pastor, My father says I should learn the Ten Commandments. But I don't think I want to because we have enough rules already in my house. Joshua. Age 10, South Pasadena
**Dear Pastor, Who does God pray to? Is there a God for God? Sincerely, Christopher. Age 9, Titusville
**Dear Pastor, Are there any devils on earth? I think there may be one in my class. Carla. Age 10, Salina
**Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon on Sunday. Especially when it was finished. Ralph, Age 11, Akron
**Dear Pastor, How does God know the good people from the bad people? Do you tell Him or does He read about it in the newspapers? Sincerely, Marie. Age 9, Lewiston
**Dear Pastor, I know God loves everybody but He never met my sister. Yours sincerely, Arnold. Age 8, Nashville.
**Dear Pastor, Please say in your sermon that Peter Peterson has been a good boy all week. I am Peter Peterson. Sincerely, Pete. Age 9, Phoenix
**Dear Pastor, My father should be a minister. Every day he gives us a sermon about something. Robert, Page 11, Anderson
**Dear Pastor, I'm sorry I can't leave more money in the plate, but my father didn't give me a raise in my allowance. Could you have a sermon about a raise in my allowance? Love, Patty. Age 10, New Haven
**Dear Pastor, My mother is very religious. She goes to play bingo at church every week even if she has a cold. Yours truly, Annette. Age 9, Albany
**Dear Pastor, I would like to go to heaven someday because I know my brother won't be there. Stephen. Age 8, Chicago
**Dear Pastor, I think a lot more people would come to your church if you moved it to Disneyland. Loreen. Age 9. Tacoma
**Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon where you said that good health is more important than money but I still want a raise in my allowance. Sincerely, Eleanor. Age 12, Sarasota
**Dear Pastor, Please pray for all the airline pilots. I am flying to California tomorrow. Laurie. Age 10, New York City
**Dear Pastor, I hope to go to heaven some day but later than sooner. Love, Ellen, age 9. Athens
**Dear Pastor, Please say a prayer for our Little League team. We need God's help or a new pitcher. Thank you. Alexander. Age 10, Raleigh
**Dear Pastor, My father says I should learn the Ten Commandments. But I don't think I want to because we have enough rules already in my house. Joshua. Age 10, South Pasadena
**Dear Pastor, Who does God pray to? Is there a God for God? Sincerely, Christopher. Age 9, Titusville
**Dear Pastor, Are there any devils on earth? I think there may be one in my class. Carla. Age 10, Salina
**Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon on Sunday. Especially when it was finished. Ralph, Age 11, Akron
**Dear Pastor, How does God know the good people from the bad people? Do you tell Him or does He read about it in the newspapers? Sincerely, Marie. Age 9, Lewiston
An old man was in his golden years, but that didn't stop him from trying to pick up the younger ladies. He went to the local bar, approached a very pretty and very young woman and said, "Where have you been all my life?" The young lady takes one glance at him and says, "For the first half of it, I wasn't even born yet."
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maheroonPradhan
- Posts: 75
- Joined: Mon Oct 10, 2005 2:54 pm
For their anniversary, a couple went out for a romantic dinner. Their teenage daughters said they would fix a dessert and leave it waiting. When they got home, they saw that the dining room table was beautifully set with china, crystal and candles, and there was a note that read: 'Your dessert is in the refrigerator. We are staying with friends, so go ahead and do something we wouldn't do!' 'I suppose,' the husband responded dryly, 'we could clean the house.'
Rabbi In A Confession
A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do. The rabbi comes and he and the priest are in the confessional. In a few minutes a woman comes in and says "Father forgive me for I have sinned." The priest asks "What did you do?". The woman says "I committed adultery." Priest: "How many times?" Woman: "Three times." Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more." A few minutes later a man enters the confessional. He says "Father forgive me for I have sinned." Priest: "What did you do?" Man: "I committed adultery." Priest:"How many times?" Man: "Three times." Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's put $5 in the box and go and sin no more." The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it so the priest leaves. A few minutes later another woman enters and says "Father forgive me for I have sinned." Rabbi: "What did you do?" Woman: "I committed adultery." Rabbi: "How many times?" Woman: "Once." Rabbi: "Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for $5."
A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do. The rabbi comes and he and the priest are in the confessional. In a few minutes a woman comes in and says "Father forgive me for I have sinned." The priest asks "What did you do?". The woman says "I committed adultery." Priest: "How many times?" Woman: "Three times." Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more." A few minutes later a man enters the confessional. He says "Father forgive me for I have sinned." Priest: "What did you do?" Man: "I committed adultery." Priest:"How many times?" Man: "Three times." Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's put $5 in the box and go and sin no more." The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it so the priest leaves. A few minutes later another woman enters and says "Father forgive me for I have sinned." Rabbi: "What did you do?" Woman: "I committed adultery." Rabbi: "How many times?" Woman: "Once." Rabbi: "Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for $5."
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Guest
The Vote for Heaven or Hell
A powerful senator dies after a prolonged illness. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the senator."Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven."
"I'm sorry but we have our rules," replies St. Peter.
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. Nearby are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is in evening attire and very happy to see him. They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar.
Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy and who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that the time flies, before he realizes it, the senator has to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves while the elevator rises.
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
"Now it's time to visit Heaven."
The next 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
"Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity." The senator reflects for a minute, then answers, "Well, I would never have said it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell."
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags.
The Devil comes over to him and lays his arm on his neck.
"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a beautiful club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now there is only a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.
The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted for us!"
A powerful senator dies after a prolonged illness. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the senator."Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven."
"I'm sorry but we have our rules," replies St. Peter.
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. Nearby are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is in evening attire and very happy to see him. They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar.
Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy and who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that the time flies, before he realizes it, the senator has to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves while the elevator rises.
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
"Now it's time to visit Heaven."
The next 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
"Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity." The senator reflects for a minute, then answers, "Well, I would never have said it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell."
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags.
The Devil comes over to him and lays his arm on his neck.
"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a beautiful club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now there is only a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.
The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted for us!"
The Lord Will Save Me
It rained for days and days and there was a terrific flood. The water rose so high that one man was forced to climb on top of his roof and sat in the rain. As the waters came up higher a man in a rowboat came up to the house and told him to get in. "No thank you, the Lord will save me!" he said, and the man in the rowboat rowed away.
The waters rose to the edge of the roof and still the man sat on the roof until another rowboat came by and another man told him to get in. "No thank you, the Lord will save me!" he said again, and the man rowed away.
The waters covered the house and the man was forced to sit on his chimney as the rain poured down and a helicopter came by and another man urged him to get in or he'll drown. "No thank you," the man said again, "The Lord will save me!"
After much begging and pleading the man in the helicopter gave up and flew away. The waters rose above the chimney and the man drowned and went to heaven where he met God.
"Lord, I don't understand," he told Him, frustrated, "The waters rose higher and higher and I waited hours for you to save me but you didn't! Why?"
The Lord just shook his head and said, "What are you talking about? I sent two boats and a helicopter?!"
It rained for days and days and there was a terrific flood. The water rose so high that one man was forced to climb on top of his roof and sat in the rain. As the waters came up higher a man in a rowboat came up to the house and told him to get in. "No thank you, the Lord will save me!" he said, and the man in the rowboat rowed away.
The waters rose to the edge of the roof and still the man sat on the roof until another rowboat came by and another man told him to get in. "No thank you, the Lord will save me!" he said again, and the man rowed away.
The waters covered the house and the man was forced to sit on his chimney as the rain poured down and a helicopter came by and another man urged him to get in or he'll drown. "No thank you," the man said again, "The Lord will save me!"
After much begging and pleading the man in the helicopter gave up and flew away. The waters rose above the chimney and the man drowned and went to heaven where he met God.
"Lord, I don't understand," he told Him, frustrated, "The waters rose higher and higher and I waited hours for you to save me but you didn't! Why?"
The Lord just shook his head and said, "What are you talking about? I sent two boats and a helicopter?!"
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maheroonPradhan
- Posts: 75
- Joined: Mon Oct 10, 2005 2:54 pm
A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer. The following exchange takes place....
The man says, "What's the problem officer?"
Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone."
Man: "No sir, I was going 65."
Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80." (The man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light."
Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!"
Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks." (The man gives his wife another dirty look.)
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seatbelt."
Man: "Oh I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."
Wife: "Oh Harry, you never wear your seatbelt."
The man turns to his wife and yells, "SHUT YOUR MOUTH!"
The Officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"
The wife says, "No, only when he's drunk."
The man says, "What's the problem officer?"
Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone."
Man: "No sir, I was going 65."
Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80." (The man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light."
Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!"
Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks." (The man gives his wife another dirty look.)
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seatbelt."
Man: "Oh I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."
Wife: "Oh Harry, you never wear your seatbelt."
The man turns to his wife and yells, "SHUT YOUR MOUTH!"
The Officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"
The wife says, "No, only when he's drunk."
A Christian Deed
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods.
"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.
He turned to look and saw a 7 foot grizzly bear charge towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.
He looked over his shoulder again and the bear was even closer.
He triped and fell on the ground.
He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant the Atheist cried out to the Lord.
Time stopped, the bear froze, the forest was silent. A bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could you make the BEAR a Christian?"
"Very well," said the voice.
The light went out.
The sounds of the forest resumed. And then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together and bowed his head and spoke:
"Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive through Christ our Lord, Amen."
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods.
"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.
He turned to look and saw a 7 foot grizzly bear charge towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.
He looked over his shoulder again and the bear was even closer.
He triped and fell on the ground.
He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant the Atheist cried out to the Lord.
Time stopped, the bear froze, the forest was silent. A bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could you make the BEAR a Christian?"
"Very well," said the voice.
The light went out.
The sounds of the forest resumed. And then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together and bowed his head and spoke:
"Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive through Christ our Lord, Amen."
A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway
seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his
face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty
bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few
minutes the man turned to the priest and asked," Say,
Father, what causes arthritis?"
"My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap,
wicked women, too much alcohol, a contempt for your
fellow man, sleeping around and lack of bath."
"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to
his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the
man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to
come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that
the Pope does."
seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his
face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty
bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few
minutes the man turned to the priest and asked," Say,
Father, what causes arthritis?"
"My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap,
wicked women, too much alcohol, a contempt for your
fellow man, sleeping around and lack of bath."
"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to
his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the
man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to
come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that
the Pope does."
This is so funny I just couldn't help posting.
COFFIN … TYPICAL INDIAN STYLE
A family in Canada was puzzled when the coffin of their dead mother arrived from Africa, sent by their sister. The tiny corpse was so tightly squeezed inside the coffin that their mother's face was practically touching the glass cover. When they opened the coffin, they found a letter from their sister pinned to their mother's chest, which read:
Dearest brothers and sisters, I am sending you our mothers remains for the funeral there in Toronto. Sorry I couldn't come along as the expenses were so high. You will find inside the coffin, under maa's body, 12 cans of
Africafe coffee, 12 packs of Buya and 12 packs of Jugu (peanuts). Just
divide it among yourselves. On maa's feet is a brand new pair of sandals
(size
for Aly. There are four cans of Ki's chutney under maa's head for
Sadru's son. Maa is wearing six Ralph Lauren T-shirts, one is for Shafiq
and the rest are for my nephews. Maa is also wearing one dozen Hakuna
Matata shirts (your favourite) just divide it among yourselves. The 2 dozen
Moshi mehndi (henna), that Maa has in her pocket should be distributed
among Shenaz aunty and Zarin bai. Maa is also wearing eight Kenya
hunting shorts… Arif, please take one for yourself and the rest are for the
boys. The Rado watch you asked for, is on Maa's left wrist, please get it.
Salima, Maa is wearing what you asked for - earrings, ring and necklace -
please get them. Also, there is a box with 50 paans that we got from
Zanzibar under Maa's arm... which must be divided between Naseem,
Meenaz, Gulshan, Shamim and Rozmin aunty. I hope they like it.
Your loving sister, Khatoon Dewji
COFFIN … TYPICAL INDIAN STYLE
A family in Canada was puzzled when the coffin of their dead mother arrived from Africa, sent by their sister. The tiny corpse was so tightly squeezed inside the coffin that their mother's face was practically touching the glass cover. When they opened the coffin, they found a letter from their sister pinned to their mother's chest, which read:
Dearest brothers and sisters, I am sending you our mothers remains for the funeral there in Toronto. Sorry I couldn't come along as the expenses were so high. You will find inside the coffin, under maa's body, 12 cans of
Africafe coffee, 12 packs of Buya and 12 packs of Jugu (peanuts). Just
divide it among yourselves. On maa's feet is a brand new pair of sandals
(size
for Aly. There are four cans of Ki's chutney under maa's head forSadru's son. Maa is wearing six Ralph Lauren T-shirts, one is for Shafiq
and the rest are for my nephews. Maa is also wearing one dozen Hakuna
Matata shirts (your favourite) just divide it among yourselves. The 2 dozen
Moshi mehndi (henna), that Maa has in her pocket should be distributed
among Shenaz aunty and Zarin bai. Maa is also wearing eight Kenya
hunting shorts… Arif, please take one for yourself and the rest are for the
boys. The Rado watch you asked for, is on Maa's left wrist, please get it.
Salima, Maa is wearing what you asked for - earrings, ring and necklace -
please get them. Also, there is a box with 50 paans that we got from
Zanzibar under Maa's arm... which must be divided between Naseem,
Meenaz, Gulshan, Shamim and Rozmin aunty. I hope they like it.
Your loving sister, Khatoon Dewji
One day at the end of class little Billy's teacher has the class go home and think of a story and then conclude the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story, little Suzy raises her hand.
"My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."
The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Suzy replies, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."
Next is little Lucy. "Well my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched."
The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Lucy replies "Don't count your chickens before they're hatched."
Last is little Billy. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war; his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands"
Teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story.
Billy replies, "Don't mess with uncle Ted when he's been drinking."
"My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."
The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Suzy replies, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."
Next is little Lucy. "Well my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched."
The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Lucy replies "Don't count your chickens before they're hatched."
Last is little Billy. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war; his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands"
Teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story.
Billy replies, "Don't mess with uncle Ted when he's been drinking."
TV Commercials Relating God
A fifth grade teacher in a Christian school asked her class to look at TV commercials and see if they could use them in some way to communicate ideas about God.
Here are some of the results: scroll down.
God is like..
BAYER ASPIRIN
He works miracles.
God is like...
a FORD
He's got a better idea.
God is like...
COKE
He's the real thing.
(This is great)
God is like...
HALLMARK CARDS
He cares enough to send His very best.
God is like...
TIDE
He gets the stains out that others leave behind.
God is like...
GENERAL ELECTRIC
He brings good things to life.
God is like...
SEARS
He has everything.
God is like...
ALKA-SELTZER
Try him, you'll like Him
God is like...
SCOTCH TAPE
You can't see him, but you know He's there.
God is like...
DELTA
He's ready when you are.
God is like...
ALLSTATE
You're in good hands with Him.
God is like...
VO-5 Hair Spray
He holds through all kinds of weather.
God is like...
DIAL SOAP
Aren't you glad you have Him? Don't you wish everybody did?
(that one is my favorite)
God is like...
the U.S. POST OFFICE
Neither rain, nor snow, nor sleet nor ice will keep Him from His appointed destination.
BLESSINGS FROM MY HOUSE TO YOUR HOUSE
A fifth grade teacher in a Christian school asked her class to look at TV commercials and see if they could use them in some way to communicate ideas about God.
Here are some of the results: scroll down.
God is like..
BAYER ASPIRIN
He works miracles.
God is like...
a FORD
He's got a better idea.
God is like...
COKE
He's the real thing.
(This is great)
God is like...
HALLMARK CARDS
He cares enough to send His very best.
God is like...
TIDE
He gets the stains out that others leave behind.
God is like...
GENERAL ELECTRIC
He brings good things to life.
God is like...
SEARS
He has everything.
God is like...
ALKA-SELTZER
Try him, you'll like Him
God is like...
SCOTCH TAPE
You can't see him, but you know He's there.
God is like...
DELTA
He's ready when you are.
God is like...
ALLSTATE
You're in good hands with Him.
God is like...
VO-5 Hair Spray
He holds through all kinds of weather.
God is like...
DIAL SOAP
Aren't you glad you have Him? Don't you wish everybody did?
(that one is my favorite)
God is like...
the U.S. POST OFFICE
Neither rain, nor snow, nor sleet nor ice will keep Him from His appointed destination.
BLESSINGS FROM MY HOUSE TO YOUR HOUSE
According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the restroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all of the girls to the restroom and met them there with the maintenance man.
She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how! difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance guy to clean one of them. He took a long handled squeegee, dipped it into the toilet and then
cleaned the mirror.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirrors.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all of the girls to the restroom and met them there with the maintenance man.
She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how! difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance guy to clean one of them. He took a long handled squeegee, dipped it into the toilet and then
cleaned the mirror.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirrors.
Oh !!! to Be Six Again
A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be six again, " she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, got up made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms and then took her off to the local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was. Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald's where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie to see the latest blockbuster, a hot-dog, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well, Dear, what was it like being six again?"
Her eyes slowly opened and her __expression suddenly changed. "You idiot, I meant my dress size!"
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he's gonna get it wrong.
A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be six again, " she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, got up made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms and then took her off to the local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was. Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald's where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie to see the latest blockbuster, a hot-dog, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well, Dear, what was it like being six again?"
Her eyes slowly opened and her __expression suddenly changed. "You idiot, I meant my dress size!"
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he's gonna get it wrong.
-
Guest
Children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, "Take only one, God is watching."
At the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. Moving through the line a boy wrote another note to leave by the cookies, "Take all you want, God is watching the apples."
At the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. Moving through the line a boy wrote another note to leave by the cookies, "Take all you want, God is watching the apples."
-
Guest
Hi,
A Bihari hat-seller who was passing by a forest decided to take a nap under one of the trees, so he left
his whole basket of hats by the side.
A few hours later, he woke up and realized that all his hats were gone.
He looked up and to his surprise, the tree was full of monkeys and they had taken all his hats. The Bihari sits down and thinks of how he can get the hats down.
While thinking he started to scratch his head. The next moment,the monkeys were doing the same. Next, he took down his own hat, the monkeys did exactly the same. An idea came to him, he took his hat and threw it on the floor and the monkeys did that too. So he finally managed to get all his hats back.
Fifty years later, his grandson, Laloo, also became a hat-seller and had heard this monkey story from his grandfather.
One day, just like his grandfather, he passed by the same forest. It was very hot, and he took a nap under the same tree and left the hats on the floor.
He woke up and realized that all his hats were taken by the monkeys on the tree. He remembered his
grand father's words, started scratching his head and the monkeys followed. He took down his hat and fanned himself and again the monkeys followed. Now, very convinced of his grandfather's idea, Laloo threw his hat on the floor but to his surprise, the monkeys still held on to all the hats. Then one monkey climbed down the tree, grabbed the hat on the floor, gave him a slap and said
.......................
....
Guess What????????
"You think only you have a grandfather?"
A Bihari hat-seller who was passing by a forest decided to take a nap under one of the trees, so he left
his whole basket of hats by the side.
A few hours later, he woke up and realized that all his hats were gone.
He looked up and to his surprise, the tree was full of monkeys and they had taken all his hats. The Bihari sits down and thinks of how he can get the hats down.
While thinking he started to scratch his head. The next moment,the monkeys were doing the same. Next, he took down his own hat, the monkeys did exactly the same. An idea came to him, he took his hat and threw it on the floor and the monkeys did that too. So he finally managed to get all his hats back.
Fifty years later, his grandson, Laloo, also became a hat-seller and had heard this monkey story from his grandfather.
One day, just like his grandfather, he passed by the same forest. It was very hot, and he took a nap under the same tree and left the hats on the floor.
He woke up and realized that all his hats were taken by the monkeys on the tree. He remembered his
grand father's words, started scratching his head and the monkeys followed. He took down his hat and fanned himself and again the monkeys followed. Now, very convinced of his grandfather's idea, Laloo threw his hat on the floor but to his surprise, the monkeys still held on to all the hats. Then one monkey climbed down the tree, grabbed the hat on the floor, gave him a slap and said
.......................
....
Guess What????????
"You think only you have a grandfather?"
-
Guest
-
Guest
>A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering
>things.
>They decide to go to the doctor for a checkup.
>The doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might
>want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that
>night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
>His wife asks, "Where are you going?"
>"To the kitchen" he replies.
>"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
>"Sure."
>"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"
>she asks.
>"No, I can remember it."
>"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. You'd better write
>it down because you know you'll forget it."
>He says, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with
>strawberries."
>"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, so
>you'd better write it down!" she retorts.
>Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember
>it! Leave me alone! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I
>got
>it, for goodness sake!" Then he grumbles into the kitchen.
>
>After about 20 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and
>hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
>She stares at the plate for a moment and says - "Where's my toast?
>
>
>things.
>They decide to go to the doctor for a checkup.
>The doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might
>want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that
>night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
>His wife asks, "Where are you going?"
>"To the kitchen" he replies.
>"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
>"Sure."
>"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"
>she asks.
>"No, I can remember it."
>"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. You'd better write
>it down because you know you'll forget it."
>He says, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with
>strawberries."
>"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, so
>you'd better write it down!" she retorts.
>Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember
>it! Leave me alone! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I
>got
>it, for goodness sake!" Then he grumbles into the kitchen.
>
>After about 20 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and
>hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
>She stares at the plate for a moment and says - "Where's my toast?
>
>
-
Guest
>Jack, a smart businessman, talks to his son.
>
>Jack: "I want you to marry a girl of my choice "
>Son : "I will choose my own bride!"
>Jack: "But the girl is Bill Gate's daughter."
>Son : "Well, in that case..ok"
>
>Next Jack approaches Bill Gates.
>
>Jack: "I have a husband for your daughter."
>Bill Gates: "But my daughter is too young to marry!"
>Jack: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank."
>Bill Gates: "Ah, in that case...ok"
>
>Finally Jack goes to see the president of the World Bank.
>
>Jack: "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president."
>President: "But I already have more vice-presidents than I need!"
>Jack: "But this young man is Bill Gate's son-in-law."
>President: "Ah, in that case...ok"
>
>This is how business is done!!
>
>Jack: "I want you to marry a girl of my choice "
>Son : "I will choose my own bride!"
>Jack: "But the girl is Bill Gate's daughter."
>Son : "Well, in that case..ok"
>
>Next Jack approaches Bill Gates.
>
>Jack: "I have a husband for your daughter."
>Bill Gates: "But my daughter is too young to marry!"
>Jack: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank."
>Bill Gates: "Ah, in that case...ok"
>
>Finally Jack goes to see the president of the World Bank.
>
>Jack: "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president."
>President: "But I already have more vice-presidents than I need!"
>Jack: "But this young man is Bill Gate's son-in-law."
>President: "Ah, in that case...ok"
>
>This is how business is done!!
-
Guest
An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge, he asked, "What did you steal?"
She replied, "A can of peaches."
When the judge asked why she had stolen the peaches, she replied that she was hungry.
The judge then asked, "How many peaches were in the can?"
The woman replied, "Six."
The judge said, "Since you stole six peaches, I'm giving you six days in jail."
The judge was opening his mouth to say something else to the woman when the woman's husband stood up and asked the judge if he could say something.
The judge said, "Okay, what do you want to say?"
The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."
She replied, "A can of peaches."
When the judge asked why she had stolen the peaches, she replied that she was hungry.
The judge then asked, "How many peaches were in the can?"
The woman replied, "Six."
The judge said, "Since you stole six peaches, I'm giving you six days in jail."
The judge was opening his mouth to say something else to the woman when the woman's husband stood up and asked the judge if he could say something.
The judge said, "Okay, what do you want to say?"
The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."
Indian Mother/Daughter Telephone Conversation (really classic!)
Indian Mother: Hello?
Daughter: Hi Mom. Can I leave the kids with you tonight?
Indian Mother: You're going out? chi chi chi chi
Daughter: Yes.
Indian Mother: With whom?
Daughter: With a friend.
Indian Mother: I don't know why you left your husband. He is such a
good man.
Daughter: I didn't leave him. He left me!
Indian Mother: You let him leave you, and now you go out with anybodies and nobodies.
Daughter: I do not go out with anybody. Can I bring over the kids?
Indian Mother: I never left you to go out with anybody except your
father.
Daughter: There are lots of things that you did and I don't.
Indian Mother: What are you hinting at?
Daughter: Nothing. I just want to know if I can bring the kids over
tonight.
Indian Mother: You're going to stay the night with him? What will your
husband say if he finds out?
Daughter: My EX husband. I don't think he would be bothered. From the day he left me, he probably never slept alone!
Indian Mother: So you're going to sleep over at this loser's place?
Daughter: He's not a loser.
Indian Mother: A man who goes out with a divorced woman with children
is a loser and a parasite.
Daughter: I don't want to argue. Should I bring over the kids or not?
Indian Mother: Poor children with such a mother.
Daughter: Such a what?
Indian Mother: With no stability. No wonder your husband left you.
Daughter: ENOUGH!!!
Indian Mother: Don't scream at me. You probably scream at this loser
too!
Daughter: Now you're worried about the loser?
Indian Mother: Ah, so you see he's a loser. I spotted him immediately.
Daughter: Goodbye mother.
Indian Mother: Wait! Don't hang up! When are you bringing them over?
Daughter: I'm not bringing them over! I'm not going out!
Indian Mother: If you never go out, how do you expect to meet anyone?
Indian Mother: Hello?
Daughter: Hi Mom. Can I leave the kids with you tonight?
Indian Mother: You're going out? chi chi chi chi
Daughter: Yes.
Indian Mother: With whom?
Daughter: With a friend.
Indian Mother: I don't know why you left your husband. He is such a
good man.
Daughter: I didn't leave him. He left me!
Indian Mother: You let him leave you, and now you go out with anybodies and nobodies.
Daughter: I do not go out with anybody. Can I bring over the kids?
Indian Mother: I never left you to go out with anybody except your
father.
Daughter: There are lots of things that you did and I don't.
Indian Mother: What are you hinting at?
Daughter: Nothing. I just want to know if I can bring the kids over
tonight.
Indian Mother: You're going to stay the night with him? What will your
husband say if he finds out?
Daughter: My EX husband. I don't think he would be bothered. From the day he left me, he probably never slept alone!
Indian Mother: So you're going to sleep over at this loser's place?
Daughter: He's not a loser.
Indian Mother: A man who goes out with a divorced woman with children
is a loser and a parasite.
Daughter: I don't want to argue. Should I bring over the kids or not?
Indian Mother: Poor children with such a mother.
Daughter: Such a what?
Indian Mother: With no stability. No wonder your husband left you.
Daughter: ENOUGH!!!
Indian Mother: Don't scream at me. You probably scream at this loser
too!
Daughter: Now you're worried about the loser?
Indian Mother: Ah, so you see he's a loser. I spotted him immediately.
Daughter: Goodbye mother.
Indian Mother: Wait! Don't hang up! When are you bringing them over?
Daughter: I'm not bringing them over! I'm not going out!
Indian Mother: If you never go out, how do you expect to meet anyone?
Re: good job sofiya
Did you post the answers to this SHams?shamsu wrote:A man is walking down the stairs, suddenly he cannot see a thing and he realizes his wife is dead. How?
As a man was approaching a field he knew he would die. How?
Man walks into a bar and asks for a glass of water. The bar tender points a gun at him. He says thank you and leaves. What happened here?
Alexander and Cleopatra were found dead lying on the floor somewhere in Egypt. There wasn't a mark on them and they were not poisoned. The only clue was a broken glass bowl nearby. How did they die?
All the best with these sofia
Shams
Re: good job sofiya
ShamsB wrote:Ya Ali Madad Shamsshamsu wrote:A man is walking down the stairs, suddenly he cannot see a thing and he realizes his wife is dead. How?
As a man was approaching a field he knew he would die. How?
Man walks into a bar and asks for a glass of water. The bar tender points a gun at him. He says thank you and leaves. What happened here?
Alexander and Cleopatra were found dead lying on the floor somewhere in Egypt. There wasn't a mark on them and they were not poisoned. The only clue was a broken glass bowl nearby. How did they die?
All the best with these sofia
Shams
This is how I best came with the answers, hope you will correct me.
A man is walking down the stairs, suddenly he cannot see a thing and he realizes his wife is dead. How?
He was visiting his sickly wife at the hospital..she was on life support..the reason he's taking the stairs is because the elevators aren't working. Since the elevators aren't working and the power has gone out, he assumes that the back-up generators aren't either, therefore realizes his wife is dead.
As a man was approaching a field he knew he would die. How?
He jumped from a plane, but couldn't open his parachute and therefore approaches the field from above and realizes he is going to die.
Man walks into a bar and asks for a glass of water. The bar tender points a gun at him. He says thank you and leaves. What happened here?
The man had the hiccups and the bar tender got rid of them for him.