Learning to Forgive
Forgiveness is beneficial not only mentally but physically as well. People who forgive tend to be less angry, depressed, stressed out and anxious, and have lower blood pressure and heart rates than those who hold grudges. If you tend to have a hard time letting go of a grievance, consider that forgiveness does not mean you have to forget an incident, but rather that you can place a limit on how it affects you and your relationship with another, and that you benefit from the process as much as the person with whom you have the grudge.
Learn to Forgivr
-
Guest
Forgiveness: The nature to forgive has spurred a revolution in psychology
Joe Woodard
Calgary Herald
Sunday, September 04, 2005
When his son's murderer escaped from a Toronto halfway house in mid-August -- leaving a note warning the police would have to kill him -- Taber pastor Dale Lang had to conclude that the young killer hadn't travelled very far down the road of repentance and rehabilitation. But Lang still had "no desire to see the boy suffer" for the 1999 shooting of his son Jason, then 17.
This forgiveness epitomizes not only the essence of Christianity, but an ongoing revolution in the research and practice in the field of psychology.
As things turned out, the once again anonymous young offender was recaptured peacefully a day-and-a-half later in a Toronto mall. And after this vivid reminder of the violence, the Langs and Taber were once again left to live the situation he made for them.
Does forgiveness by an offended require repentance on the part of the offender?
"No," says Lang.
"That's what you'd like to see. But God said you have to forgive. He didn't say the other person had to repent first. It's nice to think they'd say, 'Yeah, yeah, you're right,' but the truth is, when you're dealing with broken people, that's not always what happens."
Lang catalogues many common misunderstandings about the nature of forgiveness.
"Forgiveness does not eliminate the need for justice; society still has a need to protect itself," he says.
Forgiveness is not a bland assertion that "it was OK you did this" -- in fact, forgiveness insists the offence was wrong, "and it will never be right."
And forgiveness cannot soften the hurt of a situation, though it can limit further damage and promote healing.
Forgiveness -- choosing to give up anger and the desire for retribution -- does free an injured person from anger and the desire for retribution. And that can be a lot.
"The desire to get even is a reality for all of us. Given the state of the world, we're all hurt and we all want retribution," Lang says.
"But had they taken this boy out and killed him, it wouldn't have changed our situation. We'd still face the loss of our son. In the end, we're still dealing with the same situation."
Lang stresses forgiveness is a choice. People badly hurt have told him, "They hurt me so badly, I can never let go of it."
But he replies that the choice to forgive -- though never easy -- is always in their power; "and if you hold on to anger, all it'll do is hurt you more."
And what's the alternative? he asks. Northern Ireland, the Middle East, lands where thousand-year-old grievances create endless vendettas?
Does forgiveness get easier with practice?
"Well, forgiveness is an option we always face. But most of our responses in life are habitual," he says.
"I used to be into road rage big-time. If somebody cut me off, I'd follow them for blocks. But that desire has left me now.
"Most of our anger builds up over weeks, and then we end up yelling at our families. But when we give it up, moment by moment, it just dissolves away. I no longer yell at my family."
n n n
Forgiveness may not be a popular pastime yet, but it has become a serious issue.
"When I first started my research 20 years ago, there was nothing in the literature. Now on the PsycInfo data base, you get over a hundred hits," says University of Wisconsin psychology professor Robert Enright, founder of the International Forgiveness Institute.
"There were only a handful of books on forgiveness 20 years ago; now Amazon.com lists over 800."
A quick web search yields a wide selection of sites like www.forgivenessguide.org, www.forgivenessday.com and www.radicalforgiveness.com.
"Either this is symptomatic of a whole new trend in psychology, or it's just a fad. Academics are so obsessed with novelty, it's hard to tell," says Enright, author of the books Forgiveness is a Choice and (for children) Rising Above the Storm Clouds.
The great discovery -- by psychologists like Enright, Everett Worthington and "positive psychology" guru Martin Seligman -- is that virtues like forgiveness can be taught.
Enright has generated a "Model of Interpersonal
Forgiveness," a schema of 20 steps in four phases (like the "Decision Phase"). And his Enright Forgiveness Inventory uses a set of 60 questions to measure people's feelings, actions and thoughts toward their foes. It has both diagnostic and therapeutic utility, he says.
Enright is now in the fourth year of a program bringing forgiveness education to lower-school students in Belfast, Northern Ireland, victims of "the Troubles." The program will expand to Belfast's upper schools in its sixth year. And in 12 to 20 years, Enright said, he or his successors will see if "an entrenched violent society can be transformed."
It took Enright two decades to first prove and then publicize what the popular culture now knows: those who have been injured are then harmed further by their own anger and desire for revenge.
For incest victims, battered women, cancer patients, drug addicts and married couples, forgiveness generates measurably higher levels of hope and self-esteem, and lower levels of anger, anxiety and depression. Forgiveness is healthy.
But traditionally, does not the forgiveness of the victim depend on the repentance of the victimizer?
"In the Old Testament, Joseph forgave his brothers for selling him into slavery without demanding an apology. In the New Testament story of the Prodigal Son, the father sees the son coming up the road, and for all he knows, he's coming back for more money; but immediately the father rushes out to embrace him, without question," he replies.
"The ancient precedent is unconditional forgiveness."
What has surprised Enright the most has been the angry response to his work from some advocacy groups: "It's given terribly bad raps by
people who have a visceral response to it -- I can only assume that these visceral attacks come not from reasonable heads but from wounded hearts."
n n n
Modern society celebrates "soft" or easygoing virtues and virtually ignores "hard" virtues, says psychologist Enright: tolerance but not truth, empathy but not courage, diligence but not self-denial.
So it's easy to misinterpret the forgiveness movement as a further step into "softness." But that's a "cheap distortion of forgiveness," Enright says.
"In reality, it's a hard road. People who don't see it, don't understand the cost of love."
Forgiveness is not opposed to justice, Enright repeatedly says. "Forgiveness Light" by unaffected third parties may trivialize an offence. But real forgiveness is compatible with holding people to a "high standard of behaviour," he says.
"You can forgive someone who smashes your car, and still present them with the bill," as an act of real justice, rational justice, rather than vengeance.
Enright sees his work as part of two trends in the discipline of psychology.
First, researchers and clinicians are growing more aware of the limits of science in capturing human reality, the real "narrative of life."
Second, after a century of stressing pathology, the causes of behaviour and common "victimhood," now psychologists are focusing more on healthy character, virtue and personal responsibility.
"What we miss as scientists is the world as people experience it," Enright says.
"Most people who've been badly wounded say they could not forgive without the love of God. As a scientist, I could say there's no such thing, because it can't be measured. But that's a very real experience of
people all over the globe."
And he says psychology is becoming more "humble" in discounting such experiences.
Another way psychology is returning to common human experience -- though experience perhaps less common in the self-centred West -- is its return to the notion of virtue.
"Cultivating forgiveness makes sense only on a continuum from 'beginner' to becoming 'deeply loving.' Forgiveness is a subset of love," he says.
"So as an educator, I might encourage children to become more loving. But as a human being, I'd want to see them become more godlike."
Mechanistic psychology, now in decline, encouraged people to think of the causes of their behaviour rather than the ends or goals. So it discounted the notion of the proper cultivation of good habits or virtues as the path to happiness.
"We've consciously abandoned the cultivation of virtue in our society. There's a death-like quality in the way people refuse to practise virtue."
History suggests that either western civilization returns to the practice of virtue "or we'll be replaced by other societies that will," Enright says.
"Here we've seen the death of conscience, the death of natural law. But despite cultural and historical differences, justice an absolute; mercy is an absolute," he says.
"If you said to most people in the world that there's no truth, no God, no right or wrong, they'd take it as a bad joke."
n n n
In his article Psychology in Recovery in last March's issue of First Things, New York University psychologist Paul Vitz identified Enright's work as part of a growing movement of "positive psychology."
For example, Vitz says, it wasn't surprising that the book Enright wrote with colleague Richard Fitzgibbons, Helping Clients Forgive, was published. But it was surprising that it was published by the American Psychological Association.
"It's part of a transformation of psychology from determinism to teleology," says Vitz (the "telos" in "teleology" being Greek for "end," "goal" or "mature growth").
"It's a change in emphasis from pathological causes to the goals of our choices, from victimhood to responsibility.
"Therapists and people in general increasingly ask, 'OK, you're a victim; so what are you going to do about it?' "
The negative psychology of the past stressed that people are victims of past traumas, abuse and neglect by others. This victim mentality has now been widely criticized within psychology as having become extreme, Vitz said. Many see themselves as victims, sinned against, but few see themselves as victimizers, sinners. Therapists report it is very uncommon for patients to tell them about a problem that they have caused others.
In their book Character Strengths and Virtues, Christopher Peterson and Martin Seligman propose that psychology "reclaim the study of character and virtue as legitimate topics of psychological inquiry and informed societal discourse," Vitz quotes.
"We believe that good character can be cultivated, but to do so, we need conceptual and empirical tools to craft and evaluate interventions."
The new teleological movement in psychology may provide a new, common vocabulary for a "fragmented culture," Vitz hopes. In a culture shattered into competing victims' groups, the social sciences provide almost the only "commonality of language." So if psychology can rejuvenate the ideas of personal responsibility and cultivation of virtuous character, there may yet be hope for a culture in decline.
[email protected]
© The Calgary Herald 2005
Joe Woodard
Calgary Herald
Sunday, September 04, 2005
When his son's murderer escaped from a Toronto halfway house in mid-August -- leaving a note warning the police would have to kill him -- Taber pastor Dale Lang had to conclude that the young killer hadn't travelled very far down the road of repentance and rehabilitation. But Lang still had "no desire to see the boy suffer" for the 1999 shooting of his son Jason, then 17.
This forgiveness epitomizes not only the essence of Christianity, but an ongoing revolution in the research and practice in the field of psychology.
As things turned out, the once again anonymous young offender was recaptured peacefully a day-and-a-half later in a Toronto mall. And after this vivid reminder of the violence, the Langs and Taber were once again left to live the situation he made for them.
Does forgiveness by an offended require repentance on the part of the offender?
"No," says Lang.
"That's what you'd like to see. But God said you have to forgive. He didn't say the other person had to repent first. It's nice to think they'd say, 'Yeah, yeah, you're right,' but the truth is, when you're dealing with broken people, that's not always what happens."
Lang catalogues many common misunderstandings about the nature of forgiveness.
"Forgiveness does not eliminate the need for justice; society still has a need to protect itself," he says.
Forgiveness is not a bland assertion that "it was OK you did this" -- in fact, forgiveness insists the offence was wrong, "and it will never be right."
And forgiveness cannot soften the hurt of a situation, though it can limit further damage and promote healing.
Forgiveness -- choosing to give up anger and the desire for retribution -- does free an injured person from anger and the desire for retribution. And that can be a lot.
"The desire to get even is a reality for all of us. Given the state of the world, we're all hurt and we all want retribution," Lang says.
"But had they taken this boy out and killed him, it wouldn't have changed our situation. We'd still face the loss of our son. In the end, we're still dealing with the same situation."
Lang stresses forgiveness is a choice. People badly hurt have told him, "They hurt me so badly, I can never let go of it."
But he replies that the choice to forgive -- though never easy -- is always in their power; "and if you hold on to anger, all it'll do is hurt you more."
And what's the alternative? he asks. Northern Ireland, the Middle East, lands where thousand-year-old grievances create endless vendettas?
Does forgiveness get easier with practice?
"Well, forgiveness is an option we always face. But most of our responses in life are habitual," he says.
"I used to be into road rage big-time. If somebody cut me off, I'd follow them for blocks. But that desire has left me now.
"Most of our anger builds up over weeks, and then we end up yelling at our families. But when we give it up, moment by moment, it just dissolves away. I no longer yell at my family."
n n n
Forgiveness may not be a popular pastime yet, but it has become a serious issue.
"When I first started my research 20 years ago, there was nothing in the literature. Now on the PsycInfo data base, you get over a hundred hits," says University of Wisconsin psychology professor Robert Enright, founder of the International Forgiveness Institute.
"There were only a handful of books on forgiveness 20 years ago; now Amazon.com lists over 800."
A quick web search yields a wide selection of sites like www.forgivenessguide.org, www.forgivenessday.com and www.radicalforgiveness.com.
"Either this is symptomatic of a whole new trend in psychology, or it's just a fad. Academics are so obsessed with novelty, it's hard to tell," says Enright, author of the books Forgiveness is a Choice and (for children) Rising Above the Storm Clouds.
The great discovery -- by psychologists like Enright, Everett Worthington and "positive psychology" guru Martin Seligman -- is that virtues like forgiveness can be taught.
Enright has generated a "Model of Interpersonal
Forgiveness," a schema of 20 steps in four phases (like the "Decision Phase"). And his Enright Forgiveness Inventory uses a set of 60 questions to measure people's feelings, actions and thoughts toward their foes. It has both diagnostic and therapeutic utility, he says.
Enright is now in the fourth year of a program bringing forgiveness education to lower-school students in Belfast, Northern Ireland, victims of "the Troubles." The program will expand to Belfast's upper schools in its sixth year. And in 12 to 20 years, Enright said, he or his successors will see if "an entrenched violent society can be transformed."
It took Enright two decades to first prove and then publicize what the popular culture now knows: those who have been injured are then harmed further by their own anger and desire for revenge.
For incest victims, battered women, cancer patients, drug addicts and married couples, forgiveness generates measurably higher levels of hope and self-esteem, and lower levels of anger, anxiety and depression. Forgiveness is healthy.
But traditionally, does not the forgiveness of the victim depend on the repentance of the victimizer?
"In the Old Testament, Joseph forgave his brothers for selling him into slavery without demanding an apology. In the New Testament story of the Prodigal Son, the father sees the son coming up the road, and for all he knows, he's coming back for more money; but immediately the father rushes out to embrace him, without question," he replies.
"The ancient precedent is unconditional forgiveness."
What has surprised Enright the most has been the angry response to his work from some advocacy groups: "It's given terribly bad raps by
people who have a visceral response to it -- I can only assume that these visceral attacks come not from reasonable heads but from wounded hearts."
n n n
Modern society celebrates "soft" or easygoing virtues and virtually ignores "hard" virtues, says psychologist Enright: tolerance but not truth, empathy but not courage, diligence but not self-denial.
So it's easy to misinterpret the forgiveness movement as a further step into "softness." But that's a "cheap distortion of forgiveness," Enright says.
"In reality, it's a hard road. People who don't see it, don't understand the cost of love."
Forgiveness is not opposed to justice, Enright repeatedly says. "Forgiveness Light" by unaffected third parties may trivialize an offence. But real forgiveness is compatible with holding people to a "high standard of behaviour," he says.
"You can forgive someone who smashes your car, and still present them with the bill," as an act of real justice, rational justice, rather than vengeance.
Enright sees his work as part of two trends in the discipline of psychology.
First, researchers and clinicians are growing more aware of the limits of science in capturing human reality, the real "narrative of life."
Second, after a century of stressing pathology, the causes of behaviour and common "victimhood," now psychologists are focusing more on healthy character, virtue and personal responsibility.
"What we miss as scientists is the world as people experience it," Enright says.
"Most people who've been badly wounded say they could not forgive without the love of God. As a scientist, I could say there's no such thing, because it can't be measured. But that's a very real experience of
people all over the globe."
And he says psychology is becoming more "humble" in discounting such experiences.
Another way psychology is returning to common human experience -- though experience perhaps less common in the self-centred West -- is its return to the notion of virtue.
"Cultivating forgiveness makes sense only on a continuum from 'beginner' to becoming 'deeply loving.' Forgiveness is a subset of love," he says.
"So as an educator, I might encourage children to become more loving. But as a human being, I'd want to see them become more godlike."
Mechanistic psychology, now in decline, encouraged people to think of the causes of their behaviour rather than the ends or goals. So it discounted the notion of the proper cultivation of good habits or virtues as the path to happiness.
"We've consciously abandoned the cultivation of virtue in our society. There's a death-like quality in the way people refuse to practise virtue."
History suggests that either western civilization returns to the practice of virtue "or we'll be replaced by other societies that will," Enright says.
"Here we've seen the death of conscience, the death of natural law. But despite cultural and historical differences, justice an absolute; mercy is an absolute," he says.
"If you said to most people in the world that there's no truth, no God, no right or wrong, they'd take it as a bad joke."
n n n
In his article Psychology in Recovery in last March's issue of First Things, New York University psychologist Paul Vitz identified Enright's work as part of a growing movement of "positive psychology."
For example, Vitz says, it wasn't surprising that the book Enright wrote with colleague Richard Fitzgibbons, Helping Clients Forgive, was published. But it was surprising that it was published by the American Psychological Association.
"It's part of a transformation of psychology from determinism to teleology," says Vitz (the "telos" in "teleology" being Greek for "end," "goal" or "mature growth").
"It's a change in emphasis from pathological causes to the goals of our choices, from victimhood to responsibility.
"Therapists and people in general increasingly ask, 'OK, you're a victim; so what are you going to do about it?' "
The negative psychology of the past stressed that people are victims of past traumas, abuse and neglect by others. This victim mentality has now been widely criticized within psychology as having become extreme, Vitz said. Many see themselves as victims, sinned against, but few see themselves as victimizers, sinners. Therapists report it is very uncommon for patients to tell them about a problem that they have caused others.
In their book Character Strengths and Virtues, Christopher Peterson and Martin Seligman propose that psychology "reclaim the study of character and virtue as legitimate topics of psychological inquiry and informed societal discourse," Vitz quotes.
"We believe that good character can be cultivated, but to do so, we need conceptual and empirical tools to craft and evaluate interventions."
The new teleological movement in psychology may provide a new, common vocabulary for a "fragmented culture," Vitz hopes. In a culture shattered into competing victims' groups, the social sciences provide almost the only "commonality of language." So if psychology can rejuvenate the ideas of personal responsibility and cultivation of virtuous character, there may yet be hope for a culture in decline.
[email protected]
© The Calgary Herald 2005
Many people are afraid to forgive because they feel they must remember the wrong or they will not learn from it. The opposite is true. Through forgiveness, the wrong is released from its emotional stranglehold on us so that we can learn from it. Through the power and intelligence of the heart, the release of forgiveness brings expanded intelligence to work with the situation more effectively.
-- David McArthur & Bruce McArthur
-- David McArthur & Bruce McArthur
Forgiveness is giving up the possibility of a better past.
Thanks to Mike D.
from Live and Learn and Pass it On -age 51
I've learned that when you have an argument with your spouse, the first one who says, 'I'm sorry I hurt your feelings; please forgive me,' is the winner.
Alden Nowlan
The day the child realizes that all adults are imperfect, he becomes an adolescent; the day he forgives them, he becomes an adult; the day he forgives himself, he becomes wise.
Mahatma Gandhi
The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.
Unknown
To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover the prisoner was YOU.
Jean Paul Richter
Humanity is never so beautiful as when praying for forgiveness, or else forgiving another.
Koran
He who forgiveth, and is reconciled unto his enemy, shall receive his reward from God; for he loveth not the unjust doers.
Thanks to Mike D.
from Live and Learn and Pass it On -age 51
I've learned that when you have an argument with your spouse, the first one who says, 'I'm sorry I hurt your feelings; please forgive me,' is the winner.
Alden Nowlan
The day the child realizes that all adults are imperfect, he becomes an adolescent; the day he forgives them, he becomes an adult; the day he forgives himself, he becomes wise.
Mahatma Gandhi
The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.
Unknown
To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover the prisoner was YOU.
Jean Paul Richter
Humanity is never so beautiful as when praying for forgiveness, or else forgiving another.
Koran
He who forgiveth, and is reconciled unto his enemy, shall receive his reward from God; for he loveth not the unjust doers.
Sidney and Suzanne Simon:
Forgiveness is freeing up and putting to better use the energy once consumed by holding grudges, harboring resentments, and nursing unhealed wounds. It is rediscovering the strengths we always had and relocating our limitless capacity to understand and accept other people and ourselves.
Forgiveness is freeing up and putting to better use the energy once consumed by holding grudges, harboring resentments, and nursing unhealed wounds. It is rediscovering the strengths we always had and relocating our limitless capacity to understand and accept other people and ourselves.
Think of a wrong that was done to you as being like a snake bite. When you are bitten by a snake there are two sources of pain. One is the bite itself, which cannot be unbitten. It happened, it hurt and you have the mark to prove it. You then go on from there and learn how to avoid snakes in your life. The second source of pain is the venom that s now circulating through you. This is the killer. No one has ever died from a snake bite-it is the aftershock of the venom circulating in the body that is fatal. So it is with hatred and forgiveness. The event happened. It cannot unhappen in your physical world. But the killer is the hatred and anger that continue to circulate in your system like venom, long after the bite wound has healed and disappeared. You, and only you, have the power to send that killer venom out of you, that it is still present within you is your choice. Remember the sage words of Buddha, “You will not be punished for your anger; you will be punished by your anger.” Miracle making is impossible to experience when your insides are poisoned by the bitterness toward others.
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Guest
If you keep thinking "That man has abused me," holding it as a much-cherished grievance, your anger will never be allayed. If you can put down that fury-inducing thought, your anger will lessen. Fury will never end fury, it will just ricochet on and on. Only putting it down will end such an abysmal state.
-Sunnata Vagga
-Sunnata Vagga
-
maheroonPradhan
- Posts: 75
- Joined: Mon Oct 10, 2005 2:54 pm
Take it slowly. The deepest resentments are wrapped up in a lot of hurt and pain. We think we're protecting ourselves by not forgiving. Acknowledge that and go easy on yourself. Forgiveness means that you've decided not to let it keep festering inside even if it only comes up once in awhile. Forgiveness is a powerful yet challenging tool that will support and honor you, even in the most extreme circumstances.
-
maheroonPradhan
- Posts: 75
- Joined: Mon Oct 10, 2005 2:54 pm
-
maheroonPradhan
- Posts: 75
- Joined: Mon Oct 10, 2005 2:54 pm
I Ask Forgiveness Of Myself
By Unknown author
To die to myself, dear God,
And to live just for You,
That's the only thing , Father,
I see now I want to do.
It's the only thing of worth
In this sinful human race,
And with an attitude like that
The rest of life falls into place.
I want my faith and trust
In You, to double in its size.
I ask, oh Lord, forgiveness
Of myself, I once despised.
I ask my love for You, Lord,
To grow by leaps and bounds,
and when I lose my way,
That it can easily be found.
You've always been there, Father,
Putting blessings in my grasp,
And You've answered prayers for me
Before I knew that I should ask.
By Unknown author
To die to myself, dear God,
And to live just for You,
That's the only thing , Father,
I see now I want to do.
It's the only thing of worth
In this sinful human race,
And with an attitude like that
The rest of life falls into place.
I want my faith and trust
In You, to double in its size.
I ask, oh Lord, forgiveness
Of myself, I once despised.
I ask my love for You, Lord,
To grow by leaps and bounds,
and when I lose my way,
That it can easily be found.
You've always been there, Father,
Putting blessings in my grasp,
And You've answered prayers for me
Before I knew that I should ask.
Jesus said to turn the other cheek
He also said to forgive 7 times 70
Easy for Him to say
He was God
Or at least the son of God
How do I get to the place
Where I forgive those
Who disrespect me and malign me
Those who could care less about my feelings
Yet I still care about theirs
Why is forgiveness so hard
Why does it take so much out of you
Why is it easier to hold on to a grudge
Rather than to let it go
Am I doing something wrong
If it is true that we are to love others
As we love ourselves
And we stay mad at ourselves
For our misdeeds and misdoing
Is it realistic to easily forgive someone
If you extend the olive branch
Of friendship and kindness and forgiveness
And it is not returned
Should you really keep trying
Even if you feel it is a lost cause
Or will persistence win the day
With the honesty and sincerity of words
Be recognized and acknowledged
Followed by a reasonable attempt
To let bygones be bygones
Is this one of the famous battles
Between head and heart
With both having opposing views
But the same hold on your psyche
Neither winning, neither losing
Sometimes I wonder
If our lack of ability to forgive
Is truly more rooted in our
Bruised ego and hurt feelings
Perhaps the pain we feel is comforting
If I were to release my anger and my pain
Only to be knocked again
Who becomes the bigger fool
Me for trying
Or them for doing
I wish that such matters were as easy
As a game of tic-tac-toe
Or perhaps it is
Sometimes you win and sometimes you lose
Neither happens if you don’t take a chance
So I resolve to forgive
To be the bigger and better person
Give of myself as I would want others
To give to me
And perhaps this time everyone will win.
He also said to forgive 7 times 70
Easy for Him to say
He was God
Or at least the son of God
How do I get to the place
Where I forgive those
Who disrespect me and malign me
Those who could care less about my feelings
Yet I still care about theirs
Why is forgiveness so hard
Why does it take so much out of you
Why is it easier to hold on to a grudge
Rather than to let it go
Am I doing something wrong
If it is true that we are to love others
As we love ourselves
And we stay mad at ourselves
For our misdeeds and misdoing
Is it realistic to easily forgive someone
If you extend the olive branch
Of friendship and kindness and forgiveness
And it is not returned
Should you really keep trying
Even if you feel it is a lost cause
Or will persistence win the day
With the honesty and sincerity of words
Be recognized and acknowledged
Followed by a reasonable attempt
To let bygones be bygones
Is this one of the famous battles
Between head and heart
With both having opposing views
But the same hold on your psyche
Neither winning, neither losing
Sometimes I wonder
If our lack of ability to forgive
Is truly more rooted in our
Bruised ego and hurt feelings
Perhaps the pain we feel is comforting
If I were to release my anger and my pain
Only to be knocked again
Who becomes the bigger fool
Me for trying
Or them for doing
I wish that such matters were as easy
As a game of tic-tac-toe
Or perhaps it is
Sometimes you win and sometimes you lose
Neither happens if you don’t take a chance
So I resolve to forgive
To be the bigger and better person
Give of myself as I would want others
To give to me
And perhaps this time everyone will win.
-
maheroonPradhan
- Posts: 75
- Joined: Mon Oct 10, 2005 2:54 pm
by Ashley Dickerson
Adrift in a sea of sadness
lost in my thoughts
Jokes can be taken so harsh
when meant to be taken lightly
A slip of the tongue is all it takes
and suddenly you're alone
boxed in a world of fears
a world of tears
Cruelty is it's game
life it's name
ever changing, rapidly sweeping you along
like a roller coaster you can't stop
and as you spin wildly spin
out of control
scenes from earlier on this ride of life
flash through your mind
The walls are closing in
The room begins to spin
you fall to your knees and
beg for it to stop
you beg and plead for
forgiveness knowing
that you were wrong
You've been to bossy,
said too much,
you say it will never happen
again and you know
that you'll do anything
in your power to keep it
from happening again
you love these people
and can't fight
like this with them
so you plead for forgiveness.
Adrift in a sea of sadness
lost in my thoughts
Jokes can be taken so harsh
when meant to be taken lightly
A slip of the tongue is all it takes
and suddenly you're alone
boxed in a world of fears
a world of tears
Cruelty is it's game
life it's name
ever changing, rapidly sweeping you along
like a roller coaster you can't stop
and as you spin wildly spin
out of control
scenes from earlier on this ride of life
flash through your mind
The walls are closing in
The room begins to spin
you fall to your knees and
beg for it to stop
you beg and plead for
forgiveness knowing
that you were wrong
You've been to bossy,
said too much,
you say it will never happen
again and you know
that you'll do anything
in your power to keep it
from happening again
you love these people
and can't fight
like this with them
so you plead for forgiveness.
“We are told that people stay in love because of chemistry, or because they remain intrigued with each other, because of many kindnesses, because of luck. But part of it has got to be forgiveness and gratefulness.”
-Ellen Goodman
If there is any one factor that sustains a relationship it has to be appreciation. Recognizing, and acknowledging, a person’s presence in our lives, and the value that they add to the quality of our lives is key. We all have a desire to be appreciated, not just for what we do, but for who we are. And we feel closest to the people in our lives who allow us to feel appreciated.
-Ellen Goodman
If there is any one factor that sustains a relationship it has to be appreciation. Recognizing, and acknowledging, a person’s presence in our lives, and the value that they add to the quality of our lives is key. We all have a desire to be appreciated, not just for what we do, but for who we are. And we feel closest to the people in our lives who allow us to feel appreciated.
by Donald Daff
I know I hurt you and I feel so bad,
For saying things and making you sad..
It's just that my love for you is so great,
I want to be with you, I just can't wait..
You are so special, one of a kind,
I could look forever and never find,
Anyone else as wonderful as you,
With such a pretty smile and eyes so blue..
Please forgive me for things I said,
I love you so much, It just messed my head..
You are my life. My very breathe,
I promise to love you, even after death..
So if you can forgive this broken hearted friend,
You'll never see that part of me again..
I'll love you and take care of you for infinity,
We'll make it, together, just you and me..
I know I hurt you and I feel so bad,
For saying things and making you sad..
It's just that my love for you is so great,
I want to be with you, I just can't wait..
You are so special, one of a kind,
I could look forever and never find,
Anyone else as wonderful as you,
With such a pretty smile and eyes so blue..
Please forgive me for things I said,
I love you so much, It just messed my head..
You are my life. My very breathe,
I promise to love you, even after death..
So if you can forgive this broken hearted friend,
You'll never see that part of me again..
I'll love you and take care of you for infinity,
We'll make it, together, just you and me..
I believe there is an important distinction to be made between religion and spirituality. Religion I take to be concerned with belief in the claims to salvation of one faith tradition or another--an aspect of which is acceptance of some form of meta-physical or philosophical reality, including perhaps an idea of heaven or hell. Connected with this are religious teachings or dogma, ritual, prayers and so on. Spirituality I take to be concerned with those qualities of the human spirit--such as love and compassion, patience, tolerance, forgiveness, contentment, a sense of responsibility, a sense of harmony, which bring happiness to both self and others.
-His Holiness the Dalai Lama
-His Holiness the Dalai Lama
God's word is clear and simple
About what I must do
When I have been offended
By friend or foe's misuse:
"Forgive...and be forgiven"
I dare not keep a score--
Seventy times seven
Times seven hundred more.
When I am unforgiving,
The battle I'll not win;
For I need my Father's mercy
To blot out all my sin.
Forgiving is not easy
Yet I know it can be done
About what I must do
When I have been offended
By friend or foe's misuse:
"Forgive...and be forgiven"
I dare not keep a score--
Seventy times seven
Times seven hundred more.
When I am unforgiving,
The battle I'll not win;
For I need my Father's mercy
To blot out all my sin.
Forgiving is not easy
Yet I know it can be done
-
lilchimpmunk
- Posts: 16
- Joined: Fri Jul 29, 2005 8:59 am
Forgiveness comes from a big heart...
Forgiveness takes a big heart...
Forgiveness needs not satisfaction...
Forgiveness needs not to fulfil a duty...
Forgiveness is the greatness of one's heart there is no need to label forgiveness and give it characteristics because if so it would symbolize INFINITY!!
~Zafreen Lalani
Forgiveness takes a big heart...
Forgiveness needs not satisfaction...
Forgiveness needs not to fulfil a duty...
Forgiveness is the greatness of one's heart there is no need to label forgiveness and give it characteristics because if so it would symbolize INFINITY!!
~Zafreen Lalani
-
Guest
How Resentment Makes a Heart Heavy
Forgiveness is the economy of the heart... Forgiveness saves the expense of anger, the cost of hatred, the waste of spirits.
-Hannah More
From "The Woman's Book of Resilience: 12 Qualities to Cultivate" by Beth Miller:
It is understandable and instinctive to experience the strong negative feelings associated with being harmed, insulted, and injured. We want to blame the person or people who hurt us; we want to see them suffer. We want them to hurt every bit as much as we have been hurt. We instinctively look for ways to make ourselves feel better, stronger, back to center. We don't want to view ourselves as the hurt, the weak, and the one under. It feels further humiliating to be unable to right the situation, protect ourselves, or stop the aggression or injustices. Even when we have been victimized, we dislike being the victim.
Resentment creates a heavy heart and fuzzy thinking for the one carrying it. It can result in obsessing and ruminating on what has been done to us or what we have done to someone else. Or, in so many cases, putting childhood events and stored-up hatred and resentment out of mind, only to have them appear as unrelated depression and irritability.
It is not unusual for resentment to keep us awake at night, invade other healthier thoughts, interfere in other relationships, and create distractions at work. This is costly and counterproductive, to you, not the person who harmed you. As the adage says, resentment is taking poison and waiting for the other person to die. We who hold the memory, consciously or not, the thoughts and the feelings of the transgression, are the ones who are suffering, and we are the only ones who have the power to transcend the heaviness.
Through forgiving and cultivating genuine compassion, we take our power back; we open the door to freedom. We discover the freedom to be inventive in relating to others, to handling traumatic experiences in a strong and firm manner and standing up for ourselves without damaging anyone else. Being resilient, weathering the next storm or navigating the present upheaval requires an open heart and a clear mind that results from forgiving and having compassion.
To be resilient requires a lightness of step and the flexibility to move and not stay stuck or mired in yesterday. It is through accepting the reality of what has been done, accepting the reality of having been hurt, betrayed, wronged; working through the layers and layers of difficult emotions and thoughts accompanying the injury, and finding ways to improve our life and state of mind that gives us the best opportunity for true freedom from insult and trauma. It is through admitting, feeling, and letting go of the negative emotions associated with the egregious act that we transcend victimization.
Many people are under the illusion that forgiveness lets the misdoer off the hook; it does not. Genuine forgiveness is not about condoning awful behavior. Forgiveness and compassion do not green light what has been done. There's no question that perpetrators who are in a position to hurt again need to be stopped. Ironically, the clearer we are, the less saddled with the negativity of previous transgressions, the more creative and effective we can be in stopping further violations. The fewer resentment blocks you have, the more access you have to saying no; cursing the behavior appropriately and in a resilient fashion protects you or anyone else who needs it."
Forgiveness is the economy of the heart... Forgiveness saves the expense of anger, the cost of hatred, the waste of spirits.
-Hannah More
From "The Woman's Book of Resilience: 12 Qualities to Cultivate" by Beth Miller:
It is understandable and instinctive to experience the strong negative feelings associated with being harmed, insulted, and injured. We want to blame the person or people who hurt us; we want to see them suffer. We want them to hurt every bit as much as we have been hurt. We instinctively look for ways to make ourselves feel better, stronger, back to center. We don't want to view ourselves as the hurt, the weak, and the one under. It feels further humiliating to be unable to right the situation, protect ourselves, or stop the aggression or injustices. Even when we have been victimized, we dislike being the victim.
Resentment creates a heavy heart and fuzzy thinking for the one carrying it. It can result in obsessing and ruminating on what has been done to us or what we have done to someone else. Or, in so many cases, putting childhood events and stored-up hatred and resentment out of mind, only to have them appear as unrelated depression and irritability.
It is not unusual for resentment to keep us awake at night, invade other healthier thoughts, interfere in other relationships, and create distractions at work. This is costly and counterproductive, to you, not the person who harmed you. As the adage says, resentment is taking poison and waiting for the other person to die. We who hold the memory, consciously or not, the thoughts and the feelings of the transgression, are the ones who are suffering, and we are the only ones who have the power to transcend the heaviness.
Through forgiving and cultivating genuine compassion, we take our power back; we open the door to freedom. We discover the freedom to be inventive in relating to others, to handling traumatic experiences in a strong and firm manner and standing up for ourselves without damaging anyone else. Being resilient, weathering the next storm or navigating the present upheaval requires an open heart and a clear mind that results from forgiving and having compassion.
To be resilient requires a lightness of step and the flexibility to move and not stay stuck or mired in yesterday. It is through accepting the reality of what has been done, accepting the reality of having been hurt, betrayed, wronged; working through the layers and layers of difficult emotions and thoughts accompanying the injury, and finding ways to improve our life and state of mind that gives us the best opportunity for true freedom from insult and trauma. It is through admitting, feeling, and letting go of the negative emotions associated with the egregious act that we transcend victimization.
Many people are under the illusion that forgiveness lets the misdoer off the hook; it does not. Genuine forgiveness is not about condoning awful behavior. Forgiveness and compassion do not green light what has been done. There's no question that perpetrators who are in a position to hurt again need to be stopped. Ironically, the clearer we are, the less saddled with the negativity of previous transgressions, the more creative and effective we can be in stopping further violations. The fewer resentment blocks you have, the more access you have to saying no; cursing the behavior appropriately and in a resilient fashion protects you or anyone else who needs it."
-
Guest
I Ask Forgiveness Of Myself
By Unknown author
To die to myself, dear God,
And to live just for You,
That's the only thing , Father,
I see now I want to do.
It's the only thing of worth
In this sinful human race,
And with an attitude like that
The rest of life falls into place.
I want my faith and trust
In You, to double in its size.
I ask, oh Lord, forgiveness
Of myself, I once despised.
I ask my love for You, Lord,
To grow by leaps and bounds,
and when I lose my way,
That it can easily be found.
You've always been there, Father,
Putting blessings in my grasp,
And You've answered prayer.
By Unknown author
To die to myself, dear God,
And to live just for You,
That's the only thing , Father,
I see now I want to do.
It's the only thing of worth
In this sinful human race,
And with an attitude like that
The rest of life falls into place.
I want my faith and trust
In You, to double in its size.
I ask, oh Lord, forgiveness
Of myself, I once despised.
I ask my love for You, Lord,
To grow by leaps and bounds,
and when I lose my way,
That it can easily be found.
You've always been there, Father,
Putting blessings in my grasp,
And You've answered prayer.
Doc Childre and Howard Martin, The HeartMath Solution
Take it slowly. The deepest resentments are wrapped up in a lot of hurt and pain. We think we're protecting ourselves by not forgiving. Acknowledge that and go easy on yourself. Forgiveness means that you've decided not to let it keep festering inside even if it only comes up once in awhile. Forgiveness is a powerful yet challenging tool that will support and honor you, even in the most extreme circumstances.
Take it slowly. The deepest resentments are wrapped up in a lot of hurt and pain. We think we're protecting ourselves by not forgiving. Acknowledge that and go easy on yourself. Forgiveness means that you've decided not to let it keep festering inside even if it only comes up once in awhile. Forgiveness is a powerful yet challenging tool that will support and honor you, even in the most extreme circumstances.
-
Guest
Letting Go of Heavy Emotions
Perhaps all the dragons in our lives are but princesses that are waiting to see us act just once with beauty and courage. Perhaps everything terrible is in its deepest essence, something helpless that needs our love.
-Rainer Maria Rilke
From "The Woman's Book of Resilience: 12 Qualities to Cultivate," by Beth Miller:
Forgiveness is about letting go, really letting go of resentment and bitterness — both personal and global. Forgiveness requires strength of character, it requires courage, a courage that needs to be replenished daily and rekindled when it falters. Forgiveness requires a commitment to something other than revenge and the natural desire for retribution and/or an apology. It requires, since there are events and behaviors that are unforgivable, ultimate compassion.
To forgive someone or something implies that there has been a transgression. You have been violated, hurt, insulted, treated badly or inhumanely, or somehow suffered greatly by another's actions. Something very valuable has been taken away; there has been grievous harm. Sometimes the transgression is factual; someone has been murdered, tortured, raped, neglected, beaten, publicly humiliated, or oppressed. Sometimes the transgression is subjective; we get our feelings hurt in ways that would not necessarily hurt someone else's feelings. Someone forgot your name at a party, your child was overlooked for a scholarship, someone assaulted your leadership style, or your boss did not pick up your ideas. As author and Buddhist meditation teacher Sylvia Boorstein says, 'We all have tucked away in our unconscious a little list of people who have hurt us in some way in our lives. And we keep the list even though they can no longer hurt us, as if forgiving them will give us amnesia, and we'll get hurt by them again.'
When we have been hurt, we show a feverish intensity to the situation, we hold a magnifying glass on the person or people who hurt us, and we are exquisitely aware of the effect the injury has had on us. Whether objective or subjective, we are faced with similar feelings of being upset and resentful of being treated wrongly. Whether subjective or objective, whether it is a slight or a grievous transgression, when the hurt and insult has created a bur in our psyche we are faced with the heroic task of being responsible for the resulting psychic pain.
Hatred, resentment, and a desire for revenge and getting even are heavy emotions that weigh us down. Heavy emotions, reliving the trauma or fight, and being tied to the past robs creativity, spontaneity, fun, and any semblance of a free life. We become virtual prisoners caged inside our own moods and dark thoughts, whether we are painfully tied to the traumatic insults waged against our bodies and spirits or fueling the flames of everyday grudges and insults. We instinctively know holding hate and resentment is not good for us, but being willing to let it go, knowing we are so justified in feeling a sense of outrage and a desire for justice, is another kettle of fish altogether.
Perhaps all the dragons in our lives are but princesses that are waiting to see us act just once with beauty and courage. Perhaps everything terrible is in its deepest essence, something helpless that needs our love.
-Rainer Maria Rilke
From "The Woman's Book of Resilience: 12 Qualities to Cultivate," by Beth Miller:
Forgiveness is about letting go, really letting go of resentment and bitterness — both personal and global. Forgiveness requires strength of character, it requires courage, a courage that needs to be replenished daily and rekindled when it falters. Forgiveness requires a commitment to something other than revenge and the natural desire for retribution and/or an apology. It requires, since there are events and behaviors that are unforgivable, ultimate compassion.
To forgive someone or something implies that there has been a transgression. You have been violated, hurt, insulted, treated badly or inhumanely, or somehow suffered greatly by another's actions. Something very valuable has been taken away; there has been grievous harm. Sometimes the transgression is factual; someone has been murdered, tortured, raped, neglected, beaten, publicly humiliated, or oppressed. Sometimes the transgression is subjective; we get our feelings hurt in ways that would not necessarily hurt someone else's feelings. Someone forgot your name at a party, your child was overlooked for a scholarship, someone assaulted your leadership style, or your boss did not pick up your ideas. As author and Buddhist meditation teacher Sylvia Boorstein says, 'We all have tucked away in our unconscious a little list of people who have hurt us in some way in our lives. And we keep the list even though they can no longer hurt us, as if forgiving them will give us amnesia, and we'll get hurt by them again.'
When we have been hurt, we show a feverish intensity to the situation, we hold a magnifying glass on the person or people who hurt us, and we are exquisitely aware of the effect the injury has had on us. Whether objective or subjective, we are faced with similar feelings of being upset and resentful of being treated wrongly. Whether subjective or objective, whether it is a slight or a grievous transgression, when the hurt and insult has created a bur in our psyche we are faced with the heroic task of being responsible for the resulting psychic pain.
Hatred, resentment, and a desire for revenge and getting even are heavy emotions that weigh us down. Heavy emotions, reliving the trauma or fight, and being tied to the past robs creativity, spontaneity, fun, and any semblance of a free life. We become virtual prisoners caged inside our own moods and dark thoughts, whether we are painfully tied to the traumatic insults waged against our bodies and spirits or fueling the flames of everyday grudges and insults. We instinctively know holding hate and resentment is not good for us, but being willing to let it go, knowing we are so justified in feeling a sense of outrage and a desire for justice, is another kettle of fish altogether.
The Way to Divinity
If anyone speaks ill of you,
Praise them always.
If anyone injures you,
Serve them nicely.
If anyone persecutes you,
Help them in all possible ways.
You will attain
immense strength.
You will control anger and pride.
You will enjoy
peace, poise, and serenity.
You will become divine.
- Swami Sivananda
If anyone speaks ill of you,
Praise them always.
If anyone injures you,
Serve them nicely.
If anyone persecutes you,
Help them in all possible ways.
You will attain
immense strength.
You will control anger and pride.
You will enjoy
peace, poise, and serenity.
You will become divine.
- Swami Sivananda