God will provide

shivaathervedi · Post by **shivaathervedi** » Sun May 07, 2017 8:16 pm

NASA decided to send a shuttle into space with two monkeys and an astronaut on board. After months of training, they placed all three in the shuttle and prepared for launch.

Mission Control Center announced, "This is Mission Control to Monkey One. Do your stuff."

The first monkey began frantically typing and the shuttle took off.

Two hours later, NASA's mission control center announced, "This is Mission Control to Monkey Two. Do your stuff."

The second monkey started typing like mad and the shuttle separated from the empty fuel tanks.

Another two hours later Mission Control Center announced, "This is Mission Control to Astronaut... "

At this, the astronaut shouted "I know, I know -- feed the monkeys and don't touch anything."

shivaathervedi · Post by **shivaathervedi** » Sun May 07, 2017 8:19 pm

Policeman: “I have an interesting case here, “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.”

“Have you arrested her?” asks the sergeant.

“No, not yet. The floor’s still wet.”

shivaathervedi · Post by **shivaathervedi** » Sun May 07, 2017 8:22 pm

A defendant is not happy with how things are going in court, so he gives the judge a hard time.

Judge: “Where do you work?”

Defendant: “Here and there.”

Judge: “What do you do for a living?”

Defendant: “This and that.”

Judge: “Take him away.”

Defendant: “Wait; when will I get out?”

Judge: “Sooner or later.”

shivaathervedi · Post by **shivaathervedi** » Sun May 07, 2017 8:24 pm

A doctor died and went to heaven, where he found a long line at St. Peter’s gate. As was his custom, the doctor rushed to the front, but St. Peter told him to wait in line like everyone else. Muttering and looking at his watch, the doctor stood at the end of the line.

Moments later a white-haired man wearing a white coat and carrying a stethoscope and medical bag rushed up to the front of the line, waved to St. Peter, and was immediately admitted through the Pearly Gates.

"Hey!" the doctor shouted. "How come you let him through?"

"Oh," said St. Peter, "that’s God. Sometimes he likes to play doctor."

shivaathervedi · Post by **shivaathervedi** » Sun May 07, 2017 8:30 pm

A five-year-old boy worked with a speech therapist on the CH sound, which came out K. The therapist asked him to say chicken. He responded with kitchen. They tried again and again, but it always came out kitchen. Undeterred, she pushed him for one more try. The boy sighed and said, “ Why don’t we just call it a duck instead of kitchen?

shivaathervedi · Post by **shivaathervedi** » Sun May 07, 2017 8:34 pm

Jesus, Moses, and an old bearded man were playing golf. On the first tee, Moses shanked his ball into a lake. He parted the water and hit his ball onto the green.

Jesus teed off, hitting his ball into another water hazard. But he walked on water and stroked his ball just short of the cup.

Then the old man with the beard stepped up for his tee shot. He hit the ball with tremendous force, but hooked it badly. The ball bounced off the clubhouse roof, hit the cart path, and rolled down a hill into a pond, coming to rest on a lily pad. A frog hopped over and picked up the ball, then an eagle swooped down, snatched the frog, and flew over the green. The frog dropped the ball, and it rolled into the cup for a hole in one.

Moses turned to Jesus and said, "I hate playing golf with your dad."

shivaathervedi · Post by **shivaathervedi** » Thu May 11, 2017 11:47 am

Out side a temple, a homeless blind beggar was asking money for food. Many persons passed by but no one gave him charity. A good fellow hold his hand and said come with me. That person left the beggar out side a pub( tavern) and said ask for money here. Finally a drunk person came out of pub and gave him Rs.100. The beggar looked upward and said,
RAHTA EEK JAGHA PER HAI, ADDRESS DUSIRI JAGHA KA HAI.

shivaathervedi · Post by **shivaathervedi** » Thu May 11, 2017 11:57 am

In what language Adam and Eve spoke in paradise, was asked in a forum.
A young man promptly replied in Khojki. Well that was his understanding.
I scratched my head and started thinking. Finally I came to conclusion on that person's reply of Khojki.

For example, how Adam said ' I love you " to Eve.
In my imagination it was ' Ee Uu Aa ' I love you '. Does the language started with vowels? Now I understand the Khojki connection. A kiney, Aa kiney, Uu
waro, AY maett, O maett, Aam sey windho ( It is my imagination ).

shivaathervedi · Post by **shivaathervedi** » Sun May 28, 2017 8:29 pm

RAMADHAN MUBARAK

Ramadhan is coming to you and will stay as a guest with you.
Ramadhan will accompany with his spiritual son ROZA along two daughters SAHRI and IFTAARI and three grand daughters RAHMAT, BARAKAT, AND TAUBA. These guests will stay for 29/30 days with you and shall fly out on the night of Eid.

shivaathervedi · Post by **shivaathervedi** » Mon Jun 05, 2017 8:36 pm

COMMUNICATION OF IDEAS:

First passenger: I am glad you are here.I hate these international flights. I can't sleep on planes, and I have already seen the movie, and last time I took the flight I did not have any one to talk to.
Second passenger: Parlez-vous Francais, Monsieur?
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Wife: Scientists claim that the average person speaks 10,000 words a day.
Husband: Yes dear, but remember, you are far above the average.
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I am a man of few words.
I know - I am married too.
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Salim is the most optimistic person I have ever seen!
He has not spoken to his wife for 2 years, but he believes that his turn will eventually come.
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Money talks.
Yes, but it does not give itself away.
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I am speechless.
Good - just stay that way.
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The next person to interrupt the court proceedings will be sent home.
Prisoner: Hurrah! I like you judge, send me home.
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If you tell a man anything, it goes in one ear and out the other.
And if you tell a woman, it goes in both ears and out of her mouth.
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I never told lies when a boy.
When did you begin, father? asked the child.
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I shall lecture today on liars. How many of you have read the 25th chapter.
Nearly all raised their hands.
That is fine.You are the group to whom I wish to speak. There is no 25th chapter.
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That is a comet.
A what? Child replied.
A comet. Do you know what a comet is?
No.
Don't you know what they call a star with a tail?
Oh sure - Mickey Mouse.
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So your wife is very broadminded?
Yes, she believes there are always two sides to an argument - hers and her mother's.
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Junior, don't ever again use such stupid words.
But, mother, Shakespeare used them.
Well, don't play with him any more, then.

shivaathervedi · Post by **shivaathervedi** » Sun Jun 18, 2017 4:25 pm

Hasan Basri was asked; " What is Islam and who is a Muslim?"
He replied; " Islam is in the book (Quran) and the Muslim is in the tomb".

CHI MI GUYAM MUSALMANIM BILARZAM
KE DANIM MUSHKILAAT E LA ILAH RA

What can I say being a Muslim, when I think start shivering.
Because I know the responsibility of saying Shahadah.

Allamah Iqbal

shivaathervedi · Post by **shivaathervedi** » Sun Jun 18, 2017 4:35 pm

ILYA:

A Russian old mythical god, a supernatural personality who's function is the protection of his people. He possessed miraculous qualities, such as a white horse which he rode through air with his powerful sword.

shivaathervedi · Post by **shivaathervedi** » Sun Jun 18, 2017 4:43 pm

LI is central in Confucianism.
TAO is beyond Being and Non Being in Taoism.

shivaathervedi · Post by **shivaathervedi** » Sun Jun 18, 2017 4:49 pm

WAHI RAAHRU WAHI RAASTEY, WAHI MARHALEY WAHI MANZILE(N)
MAGAR APNEY APNEY MAQAAM PER, KABHI HUM NAHI KABHI TUM NAHI

shivaathervedi · Post by **shivaathervedi** » Tue Jun 27, 2017 1:20 pm

Times changed:

Father used to walk 20 minutes to save Rs 20.
Son spends Rs 20 to save 20 minutes.

shivaathervedi · Post by **shivaathervedi** » Tue Jun 27, 2017 1:24 pm

A married man's brain is divided into 2 parts.
Right and left.
In right nothing is left.
In left nothing is right.

shivaathervedi · Post by **shivaathervedi** » Tue Jun 27, 2017 1:33 pm

Father: I have 4 sons;
1st: Engineer
2nd: MBA
3rd: Ph.D
4th: corrupt and thief.

Neighbor: Why don't you throw your thief son out of house?

Father: Oh, he is the only earning member in house rest are jobless.

shivaathervedi · Post by **shivaathervedi** » Tue Jun 27, 2017 1:40 pm

Gadha (ass): Mera malik mujhey bahut maarta hai.
Kutta (dog): So sorry, per tu bhaagh kiyu(n) nahi jaata.
Gadha: Malik ki eek khubsurat beti jab college nahi jaati tou woh kahta hai, 'mai(n) teri shaadi kisi ghadey se kar du(n) ga, buss uss umed pey tikka hua hu(n)'.

shivaathervedi · Post by **shivaathervedi** » Sun Jul 30, 2017 7:14 pm

Selfie is the digital form of alcohol.

shivaathervedi · Post by **shivaathervedi** » Sun Jul 30, 2017 7:18 pm

Pappu shalwaar ke narrey ko English mey kia kahtey hai(n)
Pappu promptly replied; PHD--- Pajama Holding Device.

shivaathervedi · Post by **shivaathervedi** » Sun Jul 30, 2017 7:22 pm

Kabhi Kabhi Merey Dil Mey Khayal Aata Hai.
Idiot damag ke hotey huey dil mey khayal kiyu(n) aata hai!!

shivaathervedi · Post by **shivaathervedi** » Sun Jul 30, 2017 7:31 pm

Pathan apna rishta dekhney ghar walu(n) ke saath gaya.
Donu taraf ke ghar walu(n) ne akeela chhor diya taa ke eek dusrey ko samajh lee(n).
Pathan pahley tou sharmaya, phir himmat kar ke puchha; Baaji (sister) aap log kitney bhai bahan ho?
Ladki (girl) ne gussey se jawab diya, ji paley 8 thhey abb 9 hogai hai(n).

shivaathervedi · Post by **shivaathervedi** » Sun Jul 30, 2017 7:38 pm

TUM HAYA KE TAQAAZU(N) KI BAAT KARTEY HO
HUM NE NUNGEY JISMU KO MALBUS E HAYA DEKHA HAI
DEKHEY HAI(N) HUM NE IHRAAM MEY LAPTTEY KAI IBLEES
HUM NE KAI BAAR MAI KHANA MEY KHUDA DEKHA HAI

shivaathervedi · Post by **shivaathervedi** » Sun Jul 30, 2017 7:54 pm

SILENCE and SMILE are two powerful tools. Smile is a way to to solve many problems and Silence is a way to avoid many problems.

shivaathervedi · Post by **shivaathervedi** » Mon Aug 07, 2017 9:44 pm

OUR BIRTH IS BUT A SLEEP AND A FORGETTING
THE SOUL THAT RISES WITH US, OUR LIFE'S STAR
HATH HAD ELSEWHERE ITS SETTING
AND COMETH FROM AFAR
NOT IN ENTIRE FORGETFULNESS
AND NOT IN UTTER NAKEDNESS
BUT TRAILING CLOUDS OF GLORY DO WE COME
FROM GOD WHO IS OUR HOME
HEAVEN LIES ABOUT US IN OUR INFANCY
SHADES OF PRISON HOUSE BEGIN TO CLOSE
UPON THE GROWING BOY
BUT HE BEHOLDS THE LIGHT AND WHENCE IT FLOWS
HE SEES IT IN HIS JOY
THE YOUTH WHO DAILY FARTHER FROM THE EAST
MUST TRAVEL STILL IN NATURE'S PRIEST
AND BY THE VISION SPLENDID
IS ON HIS WAY ATTENDED
AT LENGTH THE MAN PERCEIVES IT DIE AWAY
AND FADE INTO THE LIGHT OF COMMON DAY

BY: WILLIAM WORDSWORTH

shivaathervedi · Post by **shivaathervedi** » Mon Aug 07, 2017 9:51 pm

DARYA (RIVER) NEY NAHR (CANAL) SE PUCHHA;
KIYA TUJHEY SAMUNDAR (OCEAN) NAHI BAN-NA?
NAHAR NEY PIYAAR SE KAHA;
BARA BUN KAR KHARA (SALTY) HOJANEY SE BAHTAR HAI,
CHHOTA RAH KAR MEETHA (SWEET) RAHA JAAI.

shivaathervedi · Post by **shivaathervedi** » Mon Aug 07, 2017 10:02 pm

A man flops down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie is stained, his face is plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin sticks out of his torn coat pocket.

He opens his newspaper and begins reading. After a few minutes, the disheveled guy turns to the priest and asks, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

"It's caused by loose living, cheap women and too much alcohol!"

"Well, I'll be damned!" the drunk mutters, returning to his paper.

The priest thinks about what he has said, nudges the man and apologizes. "I'm very sorry. I shouldn't have been so unpleasant about it. Tell me, how long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the pope does!"

shivaathervedi · Post by **shivaathervedi** » Mon Aug 07, 2017 10:04 pm

A police recruit was asked during the exam,

"What would you do if you had to arrest your wife?"

He answered, "Call for backup."

shivaathervedi · Post by **shivaathervedi** » Mon Aug 07, 2017 10:05 pm

"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up," said the sarcastic teacher.

After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.

"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?"

Inquired the teacher with a sneer.

"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."

shivaathervedi · Post by **shivaathervedi** » Mon Aug 07, 2017 10:08 pm

Remember: Dogs and cats are better than children now adays because they:

1. Eat less.
2. Usually come when called.
3. Are easier to train.
4. Don't ask for money all the time.
5. Don't drink or smoke.
6. Don't hang out with friends who use drugs.
7. Never ask to drive the car.
8. Don't have to have the latest fashions.
9. Don't want to wear your clothes.
10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college.